


Waiting For You

by PureShores



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: Episode tag 2x16, F/M, Introspection, Rated for a single swearword
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23163646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PureShores/pseuds/PureShores
Summary: Episode Tag to Perspectives. 'He sees the faint surprise in her eyes as he approaches, and when he stops, he knows they’re on the edge of something. Something that could change what they are to each other forever. Something that could potentially end this friendship that he values so highly. Something that could either be the best or worst decision he makes in his entire life.'
Relationships: Max Goodwin/Helen Sharpe
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	Waiting For You

**Author's Note:**

> Basically just my idea of their thoughts during THAT scene. You know the one I mean.

So, the secret’s out.

The worst-kept secret in New Amsterdam if the gossip network can be believed. Everyone else knows, has seen it, has guessed. But as usual, that’s not enough for Max Goodwin. He needs it clarified, stated, straight from the horse’s mouth as it were.

“For God’s sake, Max. I did it for you. Everything I have done; I have done for you.”

It’s almost insulting that he even needs to ask. She’d do anything for him, move mountains for him, follow him anywhere. Every day at the hospital is like a metaphor for their relationship, one of them chasing the other down the corridor for a few moments of togetherness, and then going their separate ways. Always on the move, never stopping.

She can see the impact of her words hit him like a physical blow. Sees him process them. He looks a little shellshocked. Maybe he really doesn’t know how important he is to her. How much he’s shaken up her world. The way he’s gotten under her skin, into her heart. Though she finds that hard to believe, because she’s never felt she’s done a very good job at hiding it. She is Team Max, in every way that counts; her loyalty to him has never once wavered, even when he’s being a jerk, even when they’re arguing. And when they’re not arguing, in the quiet moments when they’re alone, how does he not feel it, how she feels about him?

Now he’s approaching her, eyes locked on hers. Her pulse skitters.

He stops. She can’t hear anything but his breathing, and hers, and both of them together. The world has shrunk to only this room and the two people in it. He’s so close, close enough to touch. It would be so easy to reach for him, as she often longs to do, when he’s confused or in pain. But she doesn’t.

Her words hang in the air between them.

As he looks deep into her eyes, and time seems to stop, she studies his face. A few lines, from all the stress of the past year, his mouth, which houses that smile she can’t resist. Those eyes, that she sometimes feels she could drown in.

His gaze drops to her lips, and her pulse judders again. She’s never in her life wanted anything or anyone as badly as she wants him right now. But she can’t be the one to close the gap between them, she just can’t. It has to come from him. He’s lost so much, been through so much hell. He has to be willing. To be ready.

If he’s waiting for permission, she’ll give it readily. _“Kiss me,”_ she wants to say. _“I’ll let you. I want you to."_

The moment seems to stretch on for an age. The air between them feels electrically charged, like it always does when they’re alone like this. Like it’s waiting to see who will give in first. All he has to do is make the first move. She’ll meet him halfway. He just needs to start it. She needs that assurance that she hasn’t misread things.

When he’s ready, she’s going to be all in. But she can tell that day is not today. She’s a little disappointed but not surprised. He’s still mourning his wife. He’s seeing someone else. He would never, ever cheat, in any sense. He is noble, and righteous and earnest, it’s a big part of the reason she fell in love with him. He’s such a _good_ man.

Prolonging this emotional limbo they’ve suddenly found themselves in isn’t going to do either of them any favors. Someone has to break the spell. She’s the stronger one. It’s going to have to be her.

As she walks away, there’s a tiny piece of her that desperately hopes he’ll call her back. Along with all the goodness and kindness inside him there is also a renegade too. That’s the man who comes up with inspired, completely mad ideas, puts them into practice and lets the chips fall where they may. The risk-taker. When he’s in the driver’s seat, all bets are off. Anything can happen. She loves that part of him too, loves the way he’ll throw everything he has at a seemingly impossible problem and find a way to fix it, almost every time. She’s counting on that renegade to fix the impossible problem of _them_ , and this stalemate they’re currently in. She has faith in him. She’ll wait.

The door shuts behind her.

* * *

The ring on his finger feels like it weighs a ton. It’s his connection to the love he lost, to the life they were planning. It’s important to him.

And then there is the woman in front of him. Who’s just told him that everything she does is for him. Who has proved it by sacrificing her department, by being his strongest supporter, by being his sounding board, his doctor, his deputy, his _friend_. She’s important to him too.

He only wishes he could articulate just how much.

It’s like some kind of invisible, irresistible force is propelling him towards her. He sees the faint surprise in her eyes as he approaches, and when he stops, he knows they’re on the edge of something. Something that could change what they are to each other forever. Something that could potentially end this friendship that he values so highly. Something that could either be the best or worst decision he makes in his entire life.

He can’t pretend the idea hasn’t crossed his mind. Can’t pretend like he hasn’t noticed her beauty, her intelligence, her tenacity. Can’t pretend he hasn’t wondered why there aren’t a line of men at her door, ready to throw themselves at her feet. And sometimes, late at night, when Luna is sleeping but he just can’t, he can’t pretend he doesn’t think about _what if_.

It could be good, _so good_ , between them. He can see the potential. But if it went wrong, if he loses her completely, how would he cope? Who will he lean on, if the one he leans on is the one he lost?

Perhaps that’s a selfish way of looking at it, refusing to give them something that they both badly want because he’s worried it’ll go badly for him. She’s strong. If it ended, he knows she’d be okay. But he’s not convinced that he would be.

Then there’s the ring. And what it represents. A life cut short. A promise not kept. And with that comes the guilt. This business with Helen, their ‘thing’ their ‘vibe’ is not a new thing. It has always been there. Right from the beginning, they just clicked. He trusted her, confided in her, right from the get-go. This is not the first time he has looked into her eyes like this; but he was a married man then. Nothing could happen. He was safe from whatever _this_ is.

He wants to kiss her. On some level, he thinks he always has. One way or another he’s sure they were being inexorably drawn to this point. And he’s pretty sure they’re on the same page. She’s looking at him with an openness and affection that he both loves and hates. He loves that she looks at him like that but hates it because he doesn’t deserve it. Doesn’t deserve her.

His wife has been in her grave for less than a year, for fuck’s sake, and this is how he’s choosing to honor her. Dating Alice. _Falling_ for Helen.

But God, how he wants to kiss her. Would it be such a bad thing, if he were to give in to temptation, just this once?

Yes. Yes, it would. He knows better than that. He knows if they go there, there’ll be no hiding from it, this ‘thing’, this ‘vibe.’ It can’t be casual between them or written off as meaningless. They’ll have to dive in headfirst and just hope they don’t clobber each other in the process. It’s too great a risk right now, maybe ever.

He can’t do it.

She’s so still. Waiting. Waiting for him to take the lead, to make a choice. But she knows better than anyone that making tricky decisions isn’t his strong point, and this time there’s no ‘all of the above’ option.

Something inside him breaks a little as she walks away. The moment is over, the opportunity has passed. He can only hope that one day, when the timing’s right, there’ll be another one.

The door shuts behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it and I'd love to hear your feedback if you have any. If anyone's interested I've got another story in the works which I hope to post soon, with a more satisfying ending.


End file.
